Dream On...

I have been having this re-occurring dream that I am back in college – and as I was really then, in my dream I am poor, basically homeless and making bad life choices. In my dream (and again sadly as it was in real life) the boy I wanted to be with, didn’t want to be with me, so I settled for the boy who did want me. Ick. In this dream I am momentarily filled with terror as graduation is here and I have no place to live, I have no money, I have no car, I am in desperate need of a job and I am about to make the biggest mistake of my life. The difference is, in my dream, I suddenly know that I am not 21, I am not poor, I am not sad, and I am not settling. My brain clicks in and I realize I am smart, successful, have a beautiful home and a husband that is the true love of my life. In this dream, while I am experiencing everything that happened then, I am instead handling it like an intelligent, well-adjusted woman who can take care of herself. Instead of crying over what I couldn’t have and feeling rejected, I walk around with a sense of pride because I just don’t care that he didn’t want me. I shrug it off, throw my Louis Vuitton bag over my shoulder (yes – in my dream all my 40something, real-life accessories are also there) and walk away. In my dream I also walk away from the boy who did want me – because, I didn’t really want him. The Rolling Stones song is crap – “You can’t always get what you want, but you get what you need”. I certainly did not need that relationship, so I tell him it’s over and I start declaring loudly out the window of my 4th floor dorm room, “I know this is a dream and I know this isn’t real and this is not who I am!” It is a very Oprah-esqe moment as I watch the people who were a part of my day-in and day-out life look up at me from the grass below. I am sitting in my dorm window, looking around at the room that was once mine. This room housed everything I owned, as I did not have parents or a home to go back to. Everything I had was there. If there was any memory I wanted to take with me into old age, it was with me in that room. When I was really graduating from college, I was terrified, lonely, and essentially desperate. In my dream, my 40something mind looked around that room, calmed me, and knew I was going to be something (think big Mary Tyler Moore show “You’re going to make it after all!” hat throwing in the air moment) and so I quietly packed up, smiling, rejoicing in the changes I had made.

For years I have felt regret, sadness and anger at who I was then and how I allowed my insecurities and fear to control my decisions. I do also cut myself some slack - at the end of the day, I was 21 years old and going through some pretty heavy stuff and I don’t know anyone who would have handled that set of baggage with a sense of grace at that young age. For many, they look back at their time in high school and college and they were the best days of their life. For me – these are the best days of my life. Tomorrow will be better, and the day after even better.

Back then - I was the shell of the woman I am now – and in my dream it felt good to actually feel how far I have come. And…it felt even better to wake up next to my adoring and amazing husband, hold my precious and gorgeous children, and then get dressed for work and put on the same shoes Oprah owns ;).