Age & Brain Cancer - What??

I am now officially middle aged. In television demographics, I am far aged out of the CW, starting to be questionable for Bravo, but Lifetime and I are stiff BFFs…Age is something I think about a lot. Not because of wrinkles and grey roots – of which I have both. I can slap on a layer of make-up and throw some dye on my hair to fight those battles. Age is something that I am always aware of because I have surpassed the age that my mother was when she was diagnosed with terminal brain cancer. Every year past 35 is an age I was not quite sure I would ever be. When I was younger – I never pictured life beyond whatever day it was. I never saw a future. Sad and pathetic I know – but it’s true. I just thought life would end somewhere between 13 and 35. I wasn’t sure how or even why – but it would be over and I would have peace. No more dying mother, no more abusive father, no more... To my surprise – here I am, looking forward to, even excited about, today, tomorrow and 50 years from now!

I will never ever forget the day I learned about my mother’s diagnosis. It's the last memory I have of her when she was the mother I knew. I remember where she was sitting - on the stairs of our home. I remember exactly what she was wearing, what her hair looked like, what the room smelled like. I hear the words over and over. From that day, when I was 13, until I left for college at the age of 17 - I have memories, but none are as clear as that moment. My childhood up until that moment wasn't great. There were many things that happened that still and will always be a scare on the person I am today. But - that moment, that is the one moment in my life that stops my heart and can brings tears to my eyes in the blink of an eye. That was when I knew - from there on, it would only get worse. I knew she was not going to get better. I knew my father would not be there for me. My whole being just felt empty. There is no other way to describe it. All my life, all I ever wanted and needed was to feel protected, secure - literally kid basics. I held onto hope that something would happen in our family dynamic and that someday I would feel what I saw that my friends had - safety and security. Their parents were there for them. Nope - clearly that wasn't my destiny and boom - the dynamite went off in our living room that night. We sat in the silence of the aftermath and each day everything got worse and worse. It's a much longer story - one that is Oprah & Lifetime movie worthy. But that was the moment it all started. That is when I just didn't know how to move forward - in that moment I barely knew how to breathe, much less how I would ever make it to be an actual grown up!

Fast forward.... Hello 40s! So, the sad little girl grew up. And guess what? She made it! She is happy! Nothing glamorous, nothing exceptional. Typical, suburban, married, mother raising two wonderful kids, successful career and a minivan lovingly named “VanJovi”. We are not wealthy – but we live a nice life and want for nothing. It’s a good life. It’s a great life. Looking back – I worked hard for all of it – from the shoes I wear on my feet to the man who now loves me and the peaceful sleep I have every night – I earned this. I never wanted to be famous, never cared if I was super rich - all I ever wanted out of this life was to be loved, to love and to be happy. So - what do you do when your real life surpasses your dreams? You appreciate it, you never take it for granted and you smile - a lot! xo